Where did the Cheesecake Go???

Rob’s Guest Post #1

As some of you may know, I do not like sourdough, but I will crawl across miles of broken glass to get to a cheesecake.

Two of my genetically designed hell spawn also share this extreme desire for all things cheesecakey. (Don’t know about the other one, maybe she has a different father and Dena is hiding even more secrets).

Well, recently, Middle Child A had a birthday, and when she was asked what kind of cake she wanted, she brilliantly decided that Chocolate Cheesecake was her birthday desire. (Cheesecake is one of her specialties btw)

So Dena decided upon a 4 layer chocolate cheesecake: Chocolate cheesecake, chocolate mousse, ganache, and homemade caramel – unrelated, be sure and order some because it is insane.

In case you were wondering, yes it is non-fat, vegan, gluten-free, low-calorie, and made from real cheese fairies.

I mean look at it, did your thighs magically plump up just by zooming in on all the chocolatey goodness?

Anywho, we had the birthday, we blew out candles, and we settled down to eat some cake. You may or may not know this, but Dena has this weird habit of constantly asking you if you like something or not. (Warning: don’t tell her you don’t like something, she ends up in the corner in a fetal position).

I said, and I quote: “It’s good, just very rich”.

Also note: I sent pics to co-workers to tease them in a “look what I got that you don’t” kind of way.

Now fast forward 2 days. Just 2 measly little days.

I get home from work, we eat dinner, and I remember that there was cheesecake to be had.

I get up and ask “Hey, where is the cheesecake?”

And I hear the worst possible answer ever uttered by any human on this planet: “It’s all gone”

Now, let me paraphrase the next part:

Me: What do you mean it’s all gone.
Dena: It’s gone, like we don’t have any left.
Me: How could it be all gone, it was huge and we only got into it once!”
Dena: I gave it away.

I. Gave. It. Away.

What?!?!?!?!

I then ask her why in the world she would give away my most favoritist thing and she kind of stared at me blankly, I can see the realization of what she has done start to form into her brain.

Dena: Well, I gave it to Terrible Person #1 and Terrible Person #2
Me: Why would you give away the thing I value most in this world?

And I kid you not, she said: “I thought you didn’t like it”.

She. Thought. I. Didn’t. Like. The. Cheesecake.

What follows next is her telling me how “Well, it’s good, but very rich” somehow equated to “Oh, this is nasty! Get rid of it!”. Insert back-and-forth banter for a bit while she tries to weasel her way out of the crime she has committed (it should be a crime and it should be worse than a felony). In the end, she finally admitted her sins and realized how badly she damaged our relationship. She even offered to make another cheesecake, but I let her know that ship had sailed!

Now, I ask the jury, if cheesecake is super rich, do you (A) not eat it any more or (B) enjoy a smaller slice?

Yeah, it’s B, its always B.

I rest my case.